Bye Bye Heinrich, Hello Seigfried

In his handwritten resignation letter (you never can trust computers - you never know who might be monitoring them!), the nation's No. 1 Brownshirt, John Ashcroft, reassured Our Fuhrur that "the objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.''

Mission accomplished. It was a tad surprising that Herr Ashcroft would want to leave that he's stopped those marijuana-smoking cancer patients in California and we are just a Supreme Court decision away from stopping those pinko-fag doctors in Oregon who are killing those terminal, pain-wracked patients (who admittedly have asked them to perform the task). Naked statues in this Sodom and Gomorrah we call Washington have all been draped, the Bible can be read, argued, memorized and prayed (RAMP) over even in public schools. Thank you Lord for the opportunity to have seen the best of 15th Century returned to the United States. Science, be damned!

The president is putting his own counsel, Alberto Gonzales, who you may remember wrote the famous memo defending torture in charge of our civil liberties. Senor Seigfried blithely threw off 75 years of international law and set the stage for the grotesque abuses at Abu Ghraib and dubious detentions at Guantánamo. The man does seem to have a good grasp of what's just. No doubt we'll soon learn what other protections, besides the Geneva Conventions and the Constitution, Senor Seigfried finds "quaint'' and "obsolete.''

It just keeps getting better and better.